


Head To Toe.

by suckerloveisheavensent



Category: Placebo (UK Band)
Genre: Battle For The Sun, Eating Disorders, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Care, Starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 09:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14639403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suckerloveisheavensent/pseuds/suckerloveisheavensent
Summary: A snapshot of a year, and a battle for the sun.





	Head To Toe.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a complete work of fiction that alters some events that actually took place.

“Am I getting fat?”

The question had been asked countless times over the years so when it was posed again, Stefan didn't think much of it. “No love,” he muttered, not once taking his eyes off his book. “You didn't even look at me!” the shorter (and louder) of the two proclaimed with a whine. Stef continued to read until a pair of crystal eyes came into his line of vision, just over the top of his book. “You can be honest with me,” Brian said quietly, his change in tone eliciting a response. With a small sigh, one a mother might give a child before a long comforting talk, the taller set his book down on the coffee table, pulling the other on top of him. Brian straddled his thin frame with ease, his long black tresses acting as a coat of armor. 

“I am being honest. You're gorgeous Brian, look at you.” With a gentle hand he tucked the fallen strands behind the other’s ear, earning a small smile in return. He took the time to admire the face he’s grown to love over ten years, free of makeup for a change. Stefan loved the way Brian's lashes graced his cheeks when he grinned, crinkled eyes and a big smile. He admired his lips, soft no matter how many times Brian chewed and picked at them. His neck, the spot just under his ear that, with the proper amount of finesse, could bring the most delectable sounds from him. Brian watched with cautious eyes as Stefan’s hands roamed, resting on his soft and fleshy hips. Hips that were mocked for being too “feminine”, that filled out dresses. Hips that were made to be marked, as Stefan did, though he knew he wasn't the only one. He rubbed circles onto Brian's belly with his thumbs, feeling the other suck in subconsciously. “Stop it,” he said weakly, making a feeble attempt to pry the other's hands off. Stef noted the bit of weight that gathered there in his middle, bunching up when he sat. He remembered a time when Brian was so needle thin his stomach caved in. He was so fragile back then, all blown pupils, sharp jaw and bloody noses. There were times when Stef didn't think he was going to make it to thirty, but here he was now almost forty and still a bundle of nerves before him.

“You're beautiful. All of you.” Brian looked up hesitantly, chewing on his lip, a telltale sign of his anxiety. “Don't fuck with me Stef. You’d let me know if I was putting on a bit of weight wouldn't you?” The younger man sighed. “You're healthy Brian. I need you to see that.” There was a long pause. Brian took Stef’s face in his hands, staring into his eyes.

“Okay,” he said suddenly, giving him a quick peck on the lips. Brian shifted til he was curled up in Stefan’s lap, his head rested on his chest. Stefan picked up his book again, resuming what he did before.

Brian was unpredictable like that.

“What're you reading?” 

“Sartre.”

“My little existentialist.”

Stefan smiled and pulled him in closer.

-

He thought everything was fine.

Tour had begun, the shows were excellent and everything was going well. So well that Stefan almost didn't notice the way Brian would load up his plate when catering would arrive only to gnaw on a carrot stick and throw the rest of the food away, untouched. He’d always go to bed early, claiming exhaustion and wishing everyone a good night. Stefan could hear the older man stirring in the bunk above him, tossing and turning. This went on for nights until Stef finally got up, pulling back Brian's curtain. 

For the first time in his life, Brian looked his age. 

His usual crystal blue eyes were a dull and stormy grey, rimmed with violet crescents from fatigue. Brian looked at Stef with a pleading expression, his brows furrowed. “I can't sleep,” he choked quietly, so to not wake the others. Stef gave a sympathetic look. “Do you want me?” He asked simply and the other nodded quickly, sliding over to make room. A bunk was crowded enough with one person, but with someone as tall as Stef it was cumbersome at best. They made it work, however, Brian tucked against him, his little hands grasping the front of Stefan’s shirt like it were a rope thrown to safety. Stef held him close, rubbing small circles into his back. He could feel the tension there, muscles tight with anxiety. 

He could also feel his spine, something he hadn't been able to feel in a long time. Stef didn't want to believe Brian was starving himself. He wanted to believe that he really wasn't hungry all the times he asked if he could get him something. That he grabbed something to eat when he felt like it. That he wasn't deliberately destroying himself for an even smaller frame. He didn't want to believe it tonight. He’d believe it in the morning, but not now, not when Brian's got his face buried in the crook of his neck and he can finally hear him sleeping soundly.

Stef wanted to cancel the tour. Brian begged him not to tell, eyes like swimming pools. One of the staff members had a birthday so the crew threw a party. Stef followed Brian around like a hawk, making sure he ate something. He pulled him away from the group and pulled him onto his lap. Brian picked at the cake on his plate until Stef took noticed and fed him. Steve passed by and paid them no mind, knowing the two had unusual ways of showing affection for one another. 

“You're okay aren't you?” Stefan asked suddenly, his tone trying to mask his desperation. Brian gave a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. “I'm eating aren't I?” It reassured the younger man, even more so when Brian asked if he could get him some ice cream. 

Brian watched him walk away with a blank expression, his skin crawling. He could feel the calories soaking; he wished Stef would return so he could run the bathroom. It was always easier to bring it all back up when you had something cold in your stomach.

-

Brian was weary the day it happened. He was off at soundcheck, couldn't concentrate or stop his hands from shaking enough to form the right chords. Stef passed it off as nerves because Brian was eating again and he thought he was okay. He gave his hand a gentle squeeze as he took the stage before him, saw the wry smile Brian gave him in return. Brian was quiet but passionate as they dove right into the first song, all those people singing their words back to them even though some didn't speak a word of English. Stef was so into the music he almost didn't realize Brian had stopped singing. He looked up to see Brian set his guitar against his amp.

Then he watched him fall seconds later. 

The crowd grew quiet but Stefan wouldn't have even noticed. All he could hear was the blood rushing to his head as he stood frozen, watching one of their security guards scoop Brian up into his arms as if he were a doll. He saw his head tucked against the man’s arm, his eyes closed is if he were sleeping. Or worse. Stef felt his body move on auto pilot, throwing his instrument down and rushing over to them. Steve stood shocked like a helpless child. Stef followed them to the medical van, watched them put him onto a gurney and strap him down. He told one of the paramedics that Brian hadn't been eating and everyone looked at him in shock. 

All his fault. He should've told someone. The tour would've been postponed but at least he would’ve been safe. 

No one stopped him as he got into the van with Brian, holding his limp hand as they sped to the nearest hospital.

-

There were tubes tied to him everywhere. One to feed him, the other to keep him hydrated. They let Stefan stay inside the room with him while the others waited outside. He looked so sick under those hospital lights; they were too harsh on his pallid skin. The doctors told him there was no swelling on his brain from the fall but that he might not wake for days. His body needed time to recuperate, to heal from the stress he put it under. 

Stef was still holding his hand, waiting. It could've been hours. It could've been days. He wasn't sure, lost track of the people that came out, nurses checking his vitals and members of the crew telling him to get some rest. He wasn't going anywhere til he saw any sign of life in him, anything at all. He thought he made up the feeling of his hand shifting ever so slightly in his. Stef looked up to half open crystal eyes looking back at him. Confused. 

“What happened?” Brian croaked quietly, voice scratchy from sleep. “You collapsed. They had to rush you to the hospital.” Stef sounded dejected, tired in more ways than one. He helped Brian sit up, brushing the hair from his eyes. “I'm sorry,” he said, tears catching in his throat. “I'm sorry I keep doing this to you.” Stef squeezed his hand, shushing him gently. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I should have told someone.” The room grew silent. “You could have died,” Stef added silently. The weight of his words wore heavy on his soul. If something had happened to Brian and Stefan could have done something to prevent it, he wouldn’t be able to live with it. Brian reached a hand to touch Stef, the arm that didn’t have the IV through it. “I promise I’ll try harder this time.” Brian’s voice was painfully soft, cracking at the end as tears welled up in his eyes. “But I think I need help.” Stef pressed a gentle hand up to touch Brian’s, feeling the gentle pulse still there beneath the skin. “I’ll get you whatever you need.”

The tour was postponed for six months, and with Stefan’s support, Brian went public with his struggles. The last thing he wanted was for fans to think he had relapsed so he cleared the air, making a lengthy statement on the band’s web page. Support and well wishes flooded in immediately, just as everyone but Brian had expected. Stef stayed with Brian for most of their time off, taking him to see his new therapist and even agreeing to go to group therapy with him. Brian took up meditation again and did yoga to fight his purging urges. Soon he was able to keep food down longer, and go days then weeks without starving. 

Four months into their break, Stef sat on Brian’s couch, reading a self help book for loved ones of people with eating disorders. He wanted to prepare himself for Brian to slip up again, as recovery wasn’t simple, but with time it would get easier. Brian appeared from the kitchen with a mug of tea and an apple. The tele was switched to a reality show the older man had taken a liking to, and Stef never looked up from his book as Brian took a seat beside him. Stef suppressed a small smile as Brian eat effortlessly, crunching loudly and giggling at the television. When he realized the other man was enthralled in the show, then and only then did Stef allow himself a peek, to look up and enjoy Brian utterly happy doing the most mundane activities. 

 

As it should be.


End file.
